WASHINGTON D.C. - "Whoops," was President Trump's response when told all of the FBI's files related to alleged sex-trafficker Jeffrey Epstein were stored in the East Wing of the White House. The files are now completely lost as the entire wing was turned into a pile of rubble on Thursday after 123 years of existence.
"It's a real shame," said Mr. Trump as he looked over the flattened dirt that used to be the East Wing of the White House. "Those files had a lot of nasty things, lots of democrat names and evidence of democrats doing nasty things with girls, really young girls. Too young, frankly. Schumer was in there. Mamdani, too. Really wish I could show you."
When a reporter pointed out Mr. Mamdani -- current candidate for New York Mayor -- would have been ten years old when Mr. Epstein was involved in sex trafficking, Mr. Trump said, "that makes it even sicker, doesn't it? Really wish I could show you all the files. Darn."
It was only after demolition of the East Wing was complete that U.S. Attorney General Pam Bondi notified Mr. Trump the Epstein files were stored inside. According to a Department of Justice spokesman, "the boxes were moved from an office at the FBI because Director Kash Patel wanted to use the room to display his extensive collection of Trump portraits."
Turns out, the East Wing had many empty offices. Said the DOJ spokesman,"the First Lady wasn't using any of her offices because she aggressively does very little, so we moved all the Epstein Files there. Every single one. There is literally no evidence related to Epstein anywhere else. It's all gone now. So weird. What a weird, strange thing that no one expected."
It's true that the East Wing demolition happened suddenly and with little notice. Apparently, in the rush, no staff was tasked with checking what was in the structure before it was reduced to nothing.
In a statement, Ms. Bondi said, "in a shocking series of mishaps, we no longer have any paperwork on Mr. Epstein or his sex trafficking escapades. Thank you and good night."
As a result, the Department of Justice announced the release of Ghislain Maxwell from federal prison, where she was serving 20 years for sex trafficking a minor. Said Ms. Bondi of the decision to release Maxwell, "we wish her good luck in her new role as Ambassador to a country that will be named as soon as she sends in her choice to President Trump."
When pressed by reporters to reveal if President Trump was mentioned in the Epstein files, Ms. Bondi said, "yes, President Trump was in there several times, where he crashed through the windows of Mr. Epstein's brownstone and rescued innocent girls and brought them to a local church, where they were made nuns and saved from a life of Hell. So yes, Mr. Trump was in the files."
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