ICE Cracks Down on Rise in House Cleaning

CHICAGO, IL – Residents of Highland Park used to be afraid to visit their neighbors. All too often, the door would be answered by a stranger here from Central America carrying paper towels and a bottle of Windex. Said one home owner, "we're not stupid. We can see what's happening. They've got immigrants in there cleaning windows and dusting shelves. We can't compete with that. It makes our homes look run down. It impacts our resale value and hurts our pride. It's not fair to normal Americans who do their own wiping. This has to stop."

Thanks to President Trump's commitment to deport illegal aliens by the thousands, the rampant rise in house cleaning is coming to an end. "Americans will no longer have to compete with neighbors boasting about dust-free homes and perfectly trimmed hedges and infants who enjoy hours of walks in their strollers while parents are at work," said Abigail Jackson, a Homeland Security spokeswoman. "Those days are over. You want your toilet clean, you will have to use 100% American hands now."

According to the FBI's latest report from the National Household Cleaning Incident Database (NHCID), the rate of homes being cleaned by immigrants has decreased 47% since Trump took office this January. ICE intends to get that number to 100% as soon as possible. "From now on, if a carpet is vacuumed in America, it will not be because illegal immigrants invaded your living room," said Secretary of Homeland Security Kristi Noem. "We are getting gardeners, dishwashers, nannies, and house cleaners off the streets."

To be sure, Noem has the resources to back up her promise. The budget for ICE rivals that of major militaries of the world, with a staggering $170 billion allocated to fund its mass deportation efforts. By comparison, Russia and Germany spend around $110 billion to fund the military for their entire nation.

If initially critics complained the amount given to ICE was out of wack with the nation's other priorities (like health care or social security shortfalls), the results can't be denied. Said Noem, "you can't find someone to clean your bathroom now. Case closed."