Putin Announces Plan to End Ukraine War: Stop Bombing Ukraine

MOSCOW - Russia President Vladimir Putin unveiled his one-point plan to end the now 1,300 day war in Ukraine, and – in a shocking twist to seasoned observers – it was widely praised as a workable and welcome solution. His one point? He would halt the unprovoked bombing of Ukraine.

This is not merely a proposal. It is something Putin can act on immediately, since he is not only President, but also Supreme Commander-in-Chief of the Armed Forces of the Russian Federation. As such, he has it in his power to pick up his phone and say something to the effect of, "hey, let's stop the war."

Analysts looked at the implications of Putin's proposal and found no reason to think it would fail. Dr. Elara Vance, Senior Fellow of Russian Studies at the Carnegie Endowment for International Peace found the idea hopeful: "It's hard to disagree – if Russia stops bombing them, then yes, that would mean the bombing would be over."

Putin admitted the solution hit him during his advisors meeting (which is famously just him alone in the shower). He had gotten so caught up in the various meetings and proposals mediated by American envoy Steve Witkoff, he lost track of the more obvious options. Said Putin, "the Americans keep pitching beach fronts and hotels. What do I know of this? I want to run around in bathing suit in Odesa staring at gold Trump sign? Net, spasibo."

The end of the war can't come soon enough for Ukraine, which has endured over 14,500 civilian fatalities since the full-scale invasion began, with millions more displaced from their homes. Russia's sustained missile and drone campaigns have caused an estimated $176 billion in damage to civilian infrastructure.

In his response to Putin's one-point plan, President Zelenskyy said, "look, before he invaded us with tanks, we weren't bothering them. We'd be happy to go back to that. Wouldn't hurt if he returned all the kidnapped children too. So maybe try a two-point plan."