Stephen Miller Furious to Discover ICE Doesn’t Shoot Every Protester

MINNEAPOLIS, MN - While the world is reeling from the tragic killing of Renee Nicole Good by an ICE agent, one White House Official was surprised to learn the shooting was the only one that day. Stephen Miller, a top aide to President Trump, reprimanded his staff on a conference call when he learned hundreds of protesters made it out of the Minneapolis incident "completely unharmed".

Said Mr. Miller, "we gave ICE nearly 30 billion dollars so every field agent can be armed with plenty of live ammunition. How any protester escapes without at least a shot in the legs is beyond me."

Mrs. Good did not start the day as a protester. The U.S. citizen and mother of three had just dropped off her 6-year-old son at school when she arrived at the location of the ICE raid, part of the largest DHS operation ever in Minnesota. Her motivations in the moment are being debated, with President Trump claiming she was a "professional agitator" while family and friends insist she happened upon the raid and was acting as a legal observer. But Miller wasn't interested in those distinctions, saying, "anyone in the way of ICE should be ducking a rain of fire, I don't care who they were when the day started."

To convince Miller that ICE agents are plenty aggressive, White House staff pointed out DHS immigration officers had fired on many protesters before, including nine people in the last four months. Ironically, one man – Silverio Villegas-Gonzalez - was also shot and killed by ICE agents as he drove his car into them, the same action attributed to Mrs. Good. In fact, in all nine shootings, the targeted individuals were in their vehicles, with ICE agents fearing they would be struck by the car when they chose to begin firing with live ammunition.

Dr. Elias Thorne, Professor of Neuroscience at Georgetown University, thinks the trend of shooting people in their cars indicates an unnatural fear of being around vehicles. Said Dr. Thorne, "the condition is called amaxophobia, from the Greek amaxos, meaning carriage. It would explain this sudden need to kill whoever is behind the wheel of a nearby car."

Miller was not interested in psychological theories, and certainly not convinced ICE was aggressive enough against protesters. "The question isn't how many they've shot, it's how many lefty Democrat terrorists have gotten away without a single bullet even whizzing by them as they escaped." Added Miller, "How are we supposed to rule Venezuela if we can't even rule Minnesota?"