Trump Building Detention Center for All World Leaders
EL PASO, TX - President Trump today announced plans to construct a detention camp in west Texas custom built to hold all 194 leaders of the sovereign nations on Earth. The plan would have seemed odd, given that leaders of foreign nations are not normally detained by the United States. But that changed when the detentions actually began. President of Venezuela Nicolas Maduro was recently arrested, and will become the first occupant of "Autocrat Alcatraz", the nickname for the camp coined by Secretary of Homeland Security Kristi Noem.
According to Noem, "as soon as Maduro is found guilty of whatever we decide he did – I think it was drugs – we'll lock him up in this beautiful new building. Every cell has its own gold toilet. There's no privacy – I'm not saying the toilets are in separate stalls, I mean, it's still a jail. But when these world leaders have to use the facility, they'll be doing it in Trumpian style."
The recent capture of Maduro, done in an impressive military operation involving over 200 U.S. Special forces, gave Trump confidence he could repeat this operation for all remaining world leaders without any pushback from anyone. Said Trump, "some of these leaders I like, some I don't. But in the end, they'll be locked up and I'll rule the world, so people are saying that's a good deal for me."
The European Union strongly objected to all 27 of their heads of state being "kidnapped" and held in the new facility. Antonio Costa, President of the European Council, immediately announced a gathering of the members to discuss how to aggressively respond to the U.S. proposal. One idea gaining support is the formation of a sub group called the NK-10 (which stands for the "not kidnapped ten", to include ten leaders from the biggest countries not yet kidnapped). The NK-10 would meet regularly to guide policy reactions with regard to the U.S. attempting to rule the world. When reporters questioned this measured response as 'just more meetings', Mr. Costa agreed and immediately contacted the United Nations, which will be forming a sub-committee on Group Meeting Effectiveness. This new group is not expected to be a formidable adversary to the Trump administration, since the U.S. will be a member and have veto power over any of its decision regarding groups that meet and how effective they are.
Russian President Vladimir Putin, currently wanted under an international arrest warrant for war crimes issued by the International Criminal Court (ICC) in March 2023, did not seemed concerned by Trump's plan. The Kremlin released a statement saying, "Donald has already shown us the hidden escape tunnel, which is made of marble – kind of a waste of valuable materials. We may be booked in the facility but we will get back to bombing civilians very quickly."
The two other heads of state considered bad actors on the world stage, President Xi Jinping of China and President Kim Jung Un of North Korea, had not yet been notified of any impending arrest. According to Jinping, "we don't anticipate being arrested, since we are very much in love with Mr. Trump in a more-than-friends capacity." Kim Jung Un echoed this, adding, "I did get invited to a cast and crew screening of the Amazon MGM film 'Melania' at the AMC Georgetown 14. Is it possible to exchange this for a stay in the new jail facility? I would rather do that."
Most defiant in the face of Trump's announcement was Claudia Sheinbaum, the first female President of Mexico. Sheinbaum went on national television to make it clear she, "would not be complying with any attempts to remove her physically from her country, gold toilet or not." Shortly after her speech, military helicopters were heard near her compound and she was rushed to a steel room 40 stories under the National Palace in Mexico City where she will finish out her term.
On the other side of the spectrum, Columbian President Gustavo Petro voluntarily left his office in Bogota and showed up at the gates of the new facility asking if he could go to his room. ICE officers met him there and said his room was not ready, and that they were still painting the walls and making the concrete floors as uncomfortable as possible. When Mr. Petro offered to wait inside if they had a bench or a chair, the ICE agents shot Mr. Petro in the face, killing him instantly.
Given the new detention center is clearly beyond the scope of the President's powers, many expect Congress to step in. Speaker of the House Mike Johnson (R-Louisiana) and Senate Majority Leader John Thune (R-South Dakota) called an emergency meeting this week to discuss Trump's controversial and potentially destabilizing plan to literally rule the world. Johnson told reporters, "We're leaning on doing nothing, but felt like we should at least talk about it.