Trump Goes for Impeachment Three-Peat

WASHINGTON D.C. - President Trump already has more impeachments to his credit than any President in history with two. He was impeached by the House of representatives in 2019 for asking a foreign government to investigate a political rival, and in 2021 for inciting an insurrection against the United States. But Trump is not done yet. Like Los Angeles Lakers coach Pat Riley after his team won back-to-back NBA Championships in 1987 and 1988, Trump is going for the three-peat. "I guarantee it," he said to reporters on his way to abuse the powers of his office. "I will get that third impeachment."

So far, Trump has fallen short of this goal, despite many attempts to commit high crimes and misdemeanors. "It's frustrating," said Trump. "I've crossed every line. I've pardoned drug lords, profited millions in Crypto off the office, even had people killed. What do I have to do to get impeached around here?"

Trump's second term abuses have actually motivated members of congress to introduce articles of impeachment – the first step to that elusive third impeachment. But those resolutions went nowhere. "We've come close," said Susie Wiles, Trump's current Chief of Staff. "So far, we haven't gone the distance. But that won't get us down. We get up the next day and find new ways to abuse Presidential power."

Early in his second term, Trump ignored Congress's orders and withheld funds appropriated for the National Institutes of Health, the FAA, and the Department of Veterans Affairs among others. Said Trump, "you'd think this would upset people - these are important agencies. I'm not supposed to cut their funding, right? Congress decides that. They call it, 'power of the purse'. But I totally ignored that. Was I impeached? Not even close."

Since then, Trump shifted to a more blatant strategy. For example, Tom Homan, Trump's Border Czar, was initially going to focus deportation efforts on illegal immigrants who had criminal records. Said Homan, "Our plan was to methodically research their identities and locations, and then arrest them one by one." But Trump wanted to break rules, saying, "forget that, just get masked armed men, grab people off the streets, and fly them to torture-prisons in El Salvador." When Homan warned that strategy could result in innocent people or even American citizens being detained, Trump said, "good. That'll get Congress off their ass."

But the aggressive immigration policy did not generate any Congressional pushback. So Trump has taken things further. He used the Department of Justice for political revenge, and began pardoning drug lords and other criminals on a regular basis, clearly abuses of Presidential power. He accepted the most outrageous gifts from foreign influencers in the history of the nation, including a 747 luxury jetliner easily construed as a bribe, one of the stated reasons a President can be impeached. Additionally, he is starting an unprovoked war with Venezuela.

So far, only Secretary of War Pete Hegseth has earned articles of impeachment from those actions. Said Hegseth, "Trump is the one who deserves the impeachment on this, not me. I mean, I ordered people killed but Trump ate McDonalds and nodded while I did it, so technically he approved."

According to the Constitution, to be impeached by Congress a President needs to commit treason, bribery, or high crimes and misdemeanors – abusing power or betraying public trust. "I swear I've checked all those boxes," said Trump, as he blacked out his name in the Epstein files with his sharpie pen. "I'm running out of blatant crimes to do. Maybe I'll just tear the whole place down and see what they say."

When reminded he has already demolished the East Wing, Trump said, "maybe I'll give asylum only to white people. That's gotta be an abuse of power, right?" Again, Trump had to be reminded this was already a policy he was pursuing. At that point, Trump slumped in his chair and said, "then I'm out of ideas." He proceeded to sleep for the next twelve hours.