Trump Health Care Plan: 100% Tariff on Cancer

WASHINGTON D.C. - As far back as 2017, during his first term as President, Donald Trump told the American people he had a plan to provide great health care "for everybody" that would be "much less expensive and much better" than the Affordable Care Act. Skeptics thought he was lying, that Trump had no health plan at all. But doubters were proven wrong today.

In a ceremony held on the White House's Outdoor Concrete Slab, Trump unveiled tariffs hitting all the major diseases known to man. This included a 100% tariff on cancer and a 63% tariff on heart disease, the top two deadliest diseases in the United States.

Trump called the announcement "our declaration of immunity against death". He added, "this is liberation from hospital food day".

Long a believer in the power of tariffs to rebalance the global economy, Trump now intends to use this policy tool to solve the nation's health crisis. More specifically, he is aiming his new tariffs not at health insurance, but at the diseases themselves.

"I alone have solved the health insurance problem," said Trump. "You don't need Obamacare if there are no diseases. And believe me, at 100% tariffs, you will not see any cancer any time soon." He quickly added, "if there is a little cancer, we will just raise it. We'll go 110% if necessary. You know, for like, a little melanoma on the arm or something."

Keven Hassett, Trump’s Director of the National Economic Council, praised the innovative use of tariffs. "The brilliance of the plan is, if there is any disease, we make a boatload of money. So under our new plan, a diagnosis of advanced cirrhosis isn't all bad. Yes, it is a death sentence, but now it will also bring in millions of dollars for us to use on gold wall hangings."

When reporters suggested the American people would ultimately pay these tariffs, making health care completely unattainable, Trump said, "Bill Clinton was on Epstein's island". Pressed if that answer was simply a way to distract from the question, Trump said, "look, these tariffs are great, okay? You're not going to have any more disease. Unless your fat. I mean, that's not really a disease. We're not going to put tariffs on fat. But, like, if your doctor is going to diagnose you with a stroke, he's going to think twice. You're looking at a 70% tariff on strokes."

Robert F. Kennedy, Jr, who oversees America's health policy as Trump's Secretary of Health and Human Services, called the plan, "the kind of aggressive if pointless action we need to wake up the American people." According to Kennedy, "people need to stop with all this sickness and vaccines and just do a pull up and get a tan and move on." He then ate the head off a passing squirrel and ran away in his jeans.