Trump Solves SNAP Crisis, Deports All Hungry People

DETROIT, MI - Poor families showing up to food banks this morning received what the White House is calling, "a fun surprise". Instead of SNAP benefits and groceries, the families were handed complimentary plane tickets to El Salvador. The ticket includes free transportation to a local airport in a spacious, unmarked van. Once on board, families are guaranteed plenty of leg room during the five hour flight, as their seats are in the metal hull of a U.S. Army C-130 Super Hercules cargo plane.

The White House offered few details on the accommodations families will enjoy once they arrive in El Salvador, except to say there is 24/7 access to a toilet and “hip, brutalist architecture”.

According to Treasury secretary Scott Bessent, "We are proud to be the first Administration in history to eliminate hunger and poverty in the U.S." With food stamps remaining unfunded during the Government shutdown, 42 million Americans faced a potential hunger crisis. But, according to Bessent, this has been solved: "By the end of the day, when the final flight leaves the tarmac, that number will be reduced to zero."

President Trump was quick to boast about the accomplishment, reached for comment during a Great Gatsby party held on paved-over graves of famous historians. According to Mr. Trump, "I did it. Yesterday, there were poor and hungry people. Today? Gone. Anybody who's, like, real hungry will be deported."

The courts were trying to force the Trump Administration to fund the Supplemental Nutrition Assistance Program, known as SNAP. But the Trump administration opted against using billions in available funds to sustain the nation's largest anti-hunger program.

"Currently, those funds are committed to other priorities," said White House press secretary Karoline Leavitt. When pressed for specifics, Ms. Leavitt said, "I think that will become obvious to anyone who uses a fork in the new ballroom. Those forks are stunning. Gold plated over sterling silver, weighted nicely in your hand – each one is hand forged. And of course, we need a lot of them."

Families in line for groceries were initially confused by the plane tickets. One mother from Detroit arrived at her local grocery store ready to use SNAP benefits on her EBT card when she was told funds were not there for food, but she and her family were eligible for a free flight to El Salvador. The mother said, "we really need some rice. And we were hoping for a can of beans so my family can eat this week."

The clerk, who wore a black face mask to look extra menacing, said, "we can't give you rice, but we can offer your whole family this exciting adventure." The mother seemed to come around to the idea, asking, "are there snacks on the flight?"