Trump's Moral Compass to Remain Shutdown Through Thanksgiving

WASHINGTON DC – If you are among those wondering how the Trump Administration could stand to enact so many policies inflicting unnecessary pain on innocent people, you finally have an answer. Dr. Sean P. Barbabella, the physician to the president, said in a memo released today that Mr. Trump's recent MRI revealed a rare condition: Trump has no moral compass.

The condition, called a Frontal Amoral Hydranencephaly or FAH, is extremely rare, and Trump was likely born with it. According to Dr. Sophia Chen, Professor of Neurology at Harvard, "that natural sense most people have that you should never kill innocent people on boats, or always help an old guy who collapses next to you? The President's brain doesn't send those signals. There is literally a big hole there."

Coincidentally, several members of Trump's administration also have been living with the condition, including Deputy Chief of Staff for Policy Stephen Miller and head of the Office of Management and Budget Russel Vought.

"This explains so much," said Luca Feri, Director of the Holy See Press Office at the Vatican. "Every day we wake up to news of the President's harsh policies and wonder how he could do these things and claim to be Christian. Stopping medical aid for the sick? Holding back food for the hungry? Directing masked, armed men to snatch people off the street? A moral person couldn't bring themselves to do these things. Now we know. That part of his brain is, as we say, completamente mancante."

In the nine months since Trump began his second term in office, he has pursued several policies that struck some analysts as unusually and unnecessarily cruel. For example:

• The Trump administration abruptly cut 86% of humanitarian aid globally, contributing to the deaths of thousands unable to get $2 anti-malaria mosquito nets or 12-cent-a-day AIDS medicine. Said Miles Hogenfeld, spokesman for the Center for Global Development, "if there was corruption at USAID, why not identify it and fix it? Instead, they just stopped the help with no alternatives in place. I remember saying at the time, does this guy have any morals? I guess the joke is on me, because it turns out, no."
• The Trump administration killed 57 people in boats off the coast of Central America on the suspicion they were smuggling drugs meant for delivery in the United States. "It's worth noting," said one criminal attorney who asked to remain anonymous for fear of being killed by a guided missile, "even if they were smuggling drugs into the U.S., there's no death penalty for that – Trump just decided to kill them."
• When courts ordered the Trump administration to fund food stamp benefits, Trump actively worked to stop States from complying. "Why would Trump keep food from the 42 million Americans who depend on federal assistance to buy groceries?" asked Lillian Baker, who owns a grocery store that takes EBT cards. When told of Trump's missing moral center, Baker said, "what if I just give out bread for free? Would he allow that?" Ms. Baker was then taken by two armed ICE agents and disappeared into an unmarked van.

Now that the issue has been identified, the question is, when can Trump's brain be fixed? Some experts say it is wrong to rush any potential surgery.

Surgeons at Massachusetts General in Boston who specialize in complex brain disorders recommend a cautious approach. "At 79 years old, President Trump is more than set in his ways," said Dr. Priya Singh, who has successfully transplanted the moral center from a mother of four who died in an auto accident into the CEO of an Arms Dealer. Unfortunately, in that landmark case, once the moral center was installed in the patient's brain, the Arms Dealer proceeded to commit suicide. "It is sometimes more dangerous to add moral clarity once a brain has made certain life choices."

The White House agreed on the slow approach, hoping to put off any surgery at least until after the holidays. Vice President JD Vance, who claims to have a moral center, said, "we like the President the way he is." When pressed on providing a timeline for surgically installing a moral center into Trump, Vance said, "frankly we hope it's not too soon. We are announcing several initiatives at the upcoming State of the Union that might be problematic if the President regains his morals."