U.S. Finally Safe from Venezuelan Fisherman
Children around the nation can finally sleep without fear of South American boaters invading.
WASHINGTON, D.C. - Finally the classroom drills can stop. For decades, elementary school children across the United States have practiced hiding under their desks for the day when fisherman from Venezuela make their way to U.S. shores and start their reign of terror. But the Trump administration has brought the full might of the U.S. Navy down on these boaters, destroying 30 vessels and killing more than 100 people, ending the threat from these South American fisherman for the foreseeable future.
Venezuelans had been setting out to fish the eastern Pacific ocean freely and without restriction right up until the Pentagon decided to draw a red line and attack them with advanced AGM-114 Hellfire missiles, often fired from MQ-9 Reaper Drones. According to Secretary of War Pete Hegseth, "those fisherman in the stupid wooden boats had no chance."
To critics who say the deadly attacks were unprovoked and even illegal, Hegseth responded, "we're pretty sure they were smuggling drugs." When reporters pointed out the Federal penalty for drug smuggling is not, in fact, death, Hegseth laughed and said, "tell that to the dead guys."
One fan of the Pentagon's actions is Karen Whitaker, principal of Northcrest Elementary in Columbus, Ohio. "For over ten years now, on the second Tuesday of every month, our students have had to endure terrifying drills where they are asked to prepare for Venezuelan fisherman showing up at their classroom doors. Because of President Trump's bold action, no longer will our kids have to spend traumatic minutes sheltering under their desks, imagining dirty men with disgusting bait and fishing line ready to do God knows what to them."
