White House Looks to Make Hurricanes "More Exciting"

PALMER, AK - Currently, if an underwater earthquake results in a massive tsunami, we get plenty of warning. But the White House is looking to change that.

"Warnings are boring," said White House Press Secretary Karoline Leavitt in an announcement today. "The American people want excitement. They don't want to be robbed of the genuine surprise and thrill of seeing a hundred-foot wall of ocean water bearing down on their homes out of nowhere. And starting today, they will have that excitement back."

To that end, Leavitt announced the Trump Administration is ending the funding for nine key seismic monitoring stations that are currently part of the National Tsunami Warning Center. For 25 years, these monitoring stations had been providing real-time seismic data to the NTWC in Palmer, Alaska to quickly assess the risk of a tsunami. The data gives the 55 million people who live near the Pacific Ocean enough time to prepare when tsunami's develop.

Because of the funding cuts, those early warning stations will go dark this month, and – according to Leavitt – "the excitement begins."

Secretary of Commerce Howard Lutnick, whose department oversees the Tsunami Warning Center, agreed. "This is a new day for any family living near the massive and ominous Pacific Ocean. At any time, day or night, that water could turn into a giant wave that demolishes everything you know and love. You will be on the edge of your seat. It's a much more thrilling way to live, thanks to President Trump."

The excitement is real. The early warning center had been reporting over 24,000 earthquakes a year, with at least one reaching a magnitute 7 or higher – enough force to generate a deadly tsunami. Said Lutnick, "this is no joke. At some point, disaster will hit. And you won't know when. Time to buckle up and enjoy the ride!"

Tim Foster, Director of the National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration Office of Communications, wasn't so excited about the prospect of a future with no warnings. "This whole system was put in place after a tsunami hit in 1946 killing 159 people in Hawaii. Why would we take away these warnings? I don't understand what we're doing here." Foster was later fired for his support of DEI.