With New Redistricting Map, Black Voters Discover They No Longer Live in Texas

AUSTIN, TX - The Supreme Court will no longer have to rule on Texas' redrawn GOP-friendly congressional districts, which would have likely given 5 additional seats to the Republicans in the coming mid-term elections. Instead, Republican Gov. Greg Abbott and Texas lawmakers came up with a new solution: they voted to redraw the boundaries of the state itself, eliminating any voter not on their side by ensuring their home was no longer in the state.

According to Abbott, "It no longer matters how each congressional district is drawn, because every one is now a Republican district. Problem solved."

How did they do it? "We just removed certain areas that traditionally voted outside what we consider a traditional Texas set of beliefs," said Texas Solicitor General William Peterson.

In practice, this meant a winding, maze-like state boundary re-designed down to the individual home, where some blocks remained in Texas and others no longer fell within the state boundaries – even within in major cities like Dallas and Houston.

The result is both dramatic and controversial: as of Monday, the state of Texas no longer has any Black citizens. All 2.6 million of voting age now find themselves living outside the state boundaries.

Said one Black voter who lives with his family in Frisco, a Dallas suburb, but can no longer claim to live in Texas: "The state boundary line makes no sense – it literally circles our house. Every other neighbor on our block is still in the state. It seems pretty darn racist, if you ask me."

According to the Voting Rights Act, race cannot be a factor in drawing congressional districts, a tactic known as gerrymandering. But Gov. Abbot is quick to point out, "the Voting Rights deal has nothing to do with the shape of our state."

Lt. Gov. Dan Patrick – considered the most powerful Republican in the state legislature – pretended to be surprised by the racial impact of the new state boundaries. "Really? Every single black guy is out? I had no idea that would happen. Darn. Oh well."

Assuming this dramatic re-design of the state holds, all 38 Texas districts are likely to vote Republican, delivering a 12-seat bump for the party. This guarantees the GOP will keep the majority in the House of Representatives, essentially forever. "That's a huge buffer," said a visibly salivating Mike Johnson, Speaker of the U.S. House of Representatives. "We will be able to do nothing as usual, but now we'll have no one nagging us about it."