Iran Agrees to Pretend War with U.S. Was All a Dream

Critics call agreement 'delusional but better than global economic disaster so we'll go with it.'

DOHA, QATAR - Iran's Supreme Leader Ayatollah Mojtaba Khamenei announced today the war with the United States was not only over, it never actually happened. Instead, Khamenei insisted it was a collective dream, comparing the experience to the 1986 finale of television drama Dallas in which the entire 9th season of the hit show was ignored. 

If this seems preposterous, it was confirmed by Secretary of State Marco Rubio, who also serves as National Security Advisor, Director of National Intelligence, and Acting White House Pastry Chef (after previous chef was fired for not accurately replicating McDonald's Hot Apple Pie). According to Rubio, "this alleged war never happened and clearly would have been a huge mistake our great and infallible leader President Trump would never make. If you think it did happen you should see a therapist because you are flat-out nuts."

The gas-lighting denial is difficult to accept, given that the United States launched Operation Epic Fury three months ago, causing high gas prices and global financial panic, not to mention massive airstrikes resulting in the very real death of Iran's previous Supreme Leader, Ayatollah Ali Khamenei. But the leader's surviving son agreed to wipe those memories away for a few concessions from the U.S., including 24 billion dollars, the end of all aggression, and leaving Iran in control of the Strait of Hormuz. Also of note, no part of the peace agreement prevents Iran from wiping Israel off the face of the Earth, something Iran has been promising to do for 50 years. Said Khamenei, "destroying Israel is still high on our todo list, right after hanging protesters for Googling facts."

When asked by reporters about the unusual agreement, President Trump denied even knowing there was a conflict in the first place. Said Trump, "I'm not really involved in any decisions about -- what was the country? Iran? Never heard of it until you said it. Might be fake. Fake country. Let's talk about my giant arch. I'm thinking of making it gold. Golden arch. Has a nice ring to it. Makes me hungry for some reason I can't explain. Man, I am sleepy."

Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth confirmed the war with Iran was a dream, but added, "man it was a good one." Asked what that meant, Hegseth said, "well, in the dream we bombed a lot of places. That was fun -- or would be fun if it happened which it didn't because it was a dream. Can someone refill my flask? God damn."

The White House was understandably eager to find an offramp from war with Iran. To date, the conflict caused global oil supply shortages skyrocketing gas prices, doubling European natural gas costs ahead of Winter, spiking inflation, causing a food emergency for states relying on the Strait of Hormuz for food intake, and crippling global transportation networks. Given this was all a result of a choice by President Trump, it makes sense he'd like to wind the clock back and pretend this all never happened.

The fact Iran agreed to participate in this ruse is impressive if not disturbing. Iran's leadership was more than happy to go along with Trump's story, so long as they got billions of funds unfrozen and retained control of the Strait of Hormuz. Said Iran's Foreign Minister Abbas Araghchi, "before this agreement, we actually considered asking the U.S. to bomb us more because it worked out so well. But then this new agreement was proposed and someone said take the win, so I agreed before having them stoned to death."